Since I have only completed my first year thru grief, I cannot tell you what is beyond. What I can tell is that this has
been a year of roller coaster type emotions. I can be down one moment and up the next. As time goes on, the roller coaster
seems to level out more and the ups and downs become less frequent.
What I Have Learned About Myself
From my own personal perspective, I have found an inner strength that I did not know even existed. As I try to maintain some
sort of resemblance of a "normal" life, I have found that I really can tackle the everyday problems without my dearly
beloved husband by facing each day as it comes. I am still not able to think of tomorrow when I haven't completed today. When
things start to become overwhelming, I've learned that I really do need to turn them over to God and stay in the moment of
today. Funny, the things I was so afraid of, when I turn them over to God, they do seem to have a way of working themselves
out, always for the best, even if I really don't like the outcome. There truly is a bigger picture that we don't understand
but in time we will.
Peace and Contentment
I have always felt peace and contentment with my husband's passing even if it was sudden and unexpected. I never realized
until his death, that I truly was and still am, happy with life. I miss him terribly and know that some day the sorrow will
be replaced with joy. However, deep in my heart, I know he still loves me. He has now shown me that our unconditional love
for each other is really the eternal love that we had promised each other. As each day passes, I only feel an even deeper
love for him. This deeper love has built a foundation which now allows me to recognize and feel a deeper love for all of
mankind and God. It is as if a whole new world has opened for me and I feel the warmth of the love. Some times, I feel as
if I'm a rose that is just beginning to blossom.
After my son's death, I suffered a "survivor's guilt". I never realized until this past year, how much I have learned
to forgive. Not only have I learned to forgive others, but I have learned to forgive myself, one of the hardest tasks of learning
in this life. There has been nothing in my life that was not predestined. I have been very blessed and it seems to be that
I have always been at the right place at the right time. Not all the paths I have choosen were good choices but each path
has lead to a learning opportunity. Some are just harder than others but I would not have chosen differently.
This is a term I had never heard of until my husband passed away. But as I reflect over our years together, I now realize
that this was the basis of our love for each other. This is something that we tried very hard to reflect in raising each other's
children. This truly is legacy to them. I have learned that I can sit back and continue to be supportive of others and just
love them unconditionally. I pray each day that I am not judgemental for I really don't live in another person's shoes. Our
life here is really an illusion. We make it what we want and no two people live the same illusion. I only have a certain
amount of control over my own life and definitely no control over others.
All of my adult life, I have questioned what really is Spirituality. I have learned it is beyond our religious teachings.
We are all spiritual beings. This is were we put it all together. This is our soul growth. I have learned that all the lessons
of my lifetime, is part of my spirituality. I have times where I grow more rapidly than other times. I have a deeper connection
to myself as I have learned to go inward for my answers. I no longer question the "whys" but have a deeper sense